Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I Suck (Again, Still?)

I saw her about an hour ago.

I had to leave work to run Clinton to football practice, and on the way back to the office, there she was, at her daughter's school gym, standing by her car, a mere 30 feet or so from me as I drove by. Our eyes locked.

She looked hurt, and beautiful.

I need a Xanex. Seriously, I'm fucked up. I miss her so much I'm paralyzed.

But I can't do it again.

God help me I can't.


Ghanima said...

read the nae of your blog and remembered Monty Python, so I just wanted to leave a comment to thank you for the good laugh I had thanks to you today :)

kkryno said...

Please don't feel that way about yourself. I think that you're a person very much worth knowing. You're a great father and most likely a wonderful friend from what I've observed in your posts.(and you love to cook!) Hang in there! Vikki

Anne said...

First: breathe. Breathe again. Deeply.

Second: you don't suck. Not in the least. These days are part of the process, as are the days when you're not distressed by seeing her (or dreaming about her, or what have you). Being sad today doesn't make you weak, and it doesn't make you any less deserving of love and friendship. It just means that the process is still going, that even though you've made progress you're still going to have bad days now and then, and so on.

Third: pick up some ice cream on the way home from work. Or bake cookies when you get home. Treat yourself, and share with the kids, and know that through all of this you remain a good person and a good father.

Courage--c'est pas facile.

Brave Sir Robin said...

I'm better, a bit.

The boys are home, so going home and cooking dinner helps.

Thanks for the support - I know you guys must be very tired of listening to this crap. I'm truly sorry for that.

Anne - You've been a rock - Thank You.

pidomon said...

Nothing I can say can take away those moments and thoughts when this first happened.

I will leave this though.

I was talking to a friend here in Maryland and she was feeling down about similar stuff.

And I told her I do as well sometimes and when that happens I try to remember my friends and regardless how I am feeling about myself these people I love and count on and depend on cant all be wrong about me.

For what's its worth my friend

Anonymous said...

There is no timetable for grief. It'll take as long as it takes.

You know what is best for you and you've made that decision already.

Let yourself grieve the might-have-beens, because you already know what WAS.

And, we all love you, man.

Brave Sir Robin said...

You guys are incredible.
I hope you know that.