Tuesday, March 20, 2007

My Life in a Song

I find it amazing (and, at the moment, dismaying) how many songs are either about love or about love that is lost. When one really listens to a song lyric, it seems to always be about how great it was, but now it’s gone. If it was so fucking great, why is it over? That my friends, that is the crux of the issue.

During yesterday’s walk, my Ipod was surely conspiring against me, as song after song after song reminded me of what I’m trying to forget. . On and on, one after another, they kept coming. Even songs that, at first glance, don’t seem to be about love - usually are, if you listen to the words. Ever listen to the words to “A Case of You” by Joni Mitchell? (I have the Diane Krall cover)

I met a woman

She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
go to (her), stay with (her) if you can
Oh but be prepared to bleed

No shit, be prepared to bleed.

Not only, songs about love mind you, but songs that speak to my exact condition. This one in particular:

"Goodbye To You"

Of all the things I've believed in
I just want to get it over with
Tears form behind my eyes
But I do not cry
Counting the days that pass me by

I've been searching deep down in my soul
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old
It feels like I'm starting all over again
The last three years were just pretend

And I said,

Goodbye to you
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew
You were the one I loved
The one thing that I tried to hold on to
The one thing that I tried to hold on to

I still get lost in your eyes
And it seems that I can't live a day without you
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away
To a place where I am blinded by the light
But it's not right


And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time
I want what's yours and I want what's mine
I want you
But I'm not giving in this time

I mean WTF? Those two back to back! Up next:

“Without You Here” by the Goo Goo Dolls, which of course was our song.

Then, the song that pretty much sums up where I am in my life at this moment, a little nugget by Don Henely –

"You're Not Drinking Enough"

I can see that you haven't recovered from
The girl who let you down
And you'd sell what is left of your soul for
Another go-round
You keep telling yourself she means nothing
And maybe you should call her bluff
But you don't really believe it
You must not be drinking enough

Well, the perfume she wore you can buy
Down at the five & dime
But on some other woman
It don't smell the same in your mind
You keep telling yourself you can take it-
Telling yourself that you're tough
But you still wanna hold here
You must not be drinkin' enough

You're not drinking enough
To wash away old memories
And there ain't enough whiskey in texas to
Keep you from beggin' ,"please, please, please."

She passed on your passion
And stepped on your pride
Turns out you ain't quite so tough
'cause you still wanna hold her
You must not be drinkin' enough

Ask yourself why
You still wanna hold her
You must no be drinkin' enough

I turned the damn thing off and walked home with my memories as the sound track.

Do you have to believe in God to become a Monk?


Anne said...

There's a line in an Ani DiFranco song: "every pop song on the radio is suddenly speaking to me." I think of it every time I'm in a place like that.

Hang in there--this, too, shall pass.

celticfeminist said...

Haven't you read or seen High Fidelity?? (READ IT!)

What you're describing is exactly what the lead character opens the movie with (and I think it's likely in the book somewhere too....)

What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?

I'm sorry it's so difficult. Things like that are never, never easy. I wish you growing comfort and peace with this. :(

Brave Sir Robin said...


I will go rent that film.

celticfeminist said...

I do highly recommend the film - as it's both funny and tragic - but, it *might* not be the best film to rent when you're dealing with the grief of a break-up ... since the entire movie is about a break-up.

Just a heads up.

The book is even better (though on the same topic, obviously) and it's a fast and easy read.

For that matter, I'd recommend any book by Nick Hornby - his stories are marvelous, he turns a good phrase, and they are all easy, fun books to devour.

Again *hugs* for the loss you're feeling. I wish I had words to say to make it better somehow.

Brave Sir Robin said...

Thanks again.

It has been almost four months since I last was with her and I still miss her so badly.

I never understood women who would continually go back to men who treated them like crap, or who had issues that were never going to get better. I understand now. I have gone back to her four times in the last 18 months, yet it always ends up the same.

I know I should move on, all of my friends don't understand why I can't just see it.

It's not that easy. At 43 years of age I finally met a woman who I fit with. The chemistry we had was something I had frankly never believed in. I always thought it was something Hollywood made up, and yet I find this woman who shares all of my interests, a woman who would go out and buy two copies of a book I wanted to read so we could read it together and talk about it.

It's hard to let that go, but I had to. I guess it might be easier if she had been the one to break it off.

I just want her to know that I did love her. But my kids need their dad.

celticfeminist said...

Knowing what you should do and actually doing it are far too often different things. The emotional bits of us never do seem to grasp the intellectual/logical bits.

Re: the four months since you last saw her: relationships - especially intense ones - always, always take time to get over. Four months isn't that long.

As for your friends, it's always easy to see what other people should do, regardless of how difficult those things are to do. I'd guess their concern and frustration with your difficulty in moving on is rooted in their love and esteem for you. Not that it makes it any easier to know they don't understand your reluctance and difficulty in moving on from a bad relationship; I get that. But I'd bet dollars to donuts their lack of understanding is an outgrowth of love. Sometimes those who are trying to help/support us need our understanding as much as we need theirs. We humans can fuck up and hurt those we're trying to help almost as well as we can do anything else. I just hope that they do, on some level, *get* why you're hurting. I don't know anyone who can just shut off their emotions - regardless of how destructive or bad for you those emotions are.

And I'm sure she knows you loved her. I don't know how she couldn't. I just hope she's wise enough to see that you love your kids, too. And that they need you.

Now, I'm going to preface this next comment with this: I don't know this situation and I don't know you all that well, so I don't mean harm or insult. I also don't mean to presume too much here. So, please, ignore/delete this comment and tell me to MMOFB if its out of line, off-base, or just plain offensive to you.

At 43 years of age I finally met a woman who I fit with. The chemistry we had was something I had frankly never believed in. I always thought it was something Hollywood made up, and yet I find this woman who shares all of my interests...

Honey, if she didn't share your interest in your kids, she didn't share all of your interests. And feelings on kids are a HUGE piece of what makes relationships work or not work. If she was truly the perfect fit, she would've tried to/been devoted to your kids and your fatherhood. While similar interests make a good fit (the book thing is brilliant - I don't know why I never thought of it) - it's really the big things that make relationships work.

And I know you know this or else you wouldn't have broken up with her. It's just that sometimes I think we need to hear what we know from people other than ourselves.

From a personal standpoint, while I don't have kids, I have been in situations where I was torn between what I loved and the person I loved. It took me a long, long time to realize that sacrificing those things that are vital to my idea of who I am was not an option - no matter how much I loved and wanted someone. That the only people who were really going be a fit were those people who would be willing to accept/want/support all of me (with the exception, of course, of self-destructive behaviors).

For instance - my animal rescue work is non-negotiable. I could never be with someone who didn't support that and who couldn't live with animals. It's not the same as kids, I realize that. But it is a vital component of who I am; just as fatherhood is for you. And someone who's not willing accept the parts of what make me me, isn't going to be someone I can be with. I won't make them happy and they won't make me happy - even if we have loads of happy moments together.

And before I got to that point, I was messed up as hell. I loved some people like crazy - passionately, fully, gloriously - and when it ended, it was painful and grief-filled beyond the scope of language. Years later, it's still raw in some places.

Yet, I got through it. There's a great quote from Churchill of all people - "When you're going through hell, keep going." Sometimes that's all that kept me going.

Again, I'm sorry if I'm just spouting off about things I don't know. The internets make such observations on others' lives almost too easy. I apologize if I offered offense with anything I said - I can only assure you none was meant.

*hugs and more hugs* Just keep going, Sir Robin. Just keep going.