Saturday, April 19, 2008

Wherein I Find The Awesomest Thing In The History Of The Internet

This just may be the awesomest thing in the history of Awesomeness. I have looked like mad for the original page and context in which this appears, but I couldn't find it. I hate to just post someone else's writing, but it's awesomeness is such, that it begs to be shared.

Imagine if William Shakespeare wrote the screenplay for Pulp Fiction:

(Scene with Jules and Brett)

J: My pardon; did I break thy concentration?
Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
Allow me then to offer a response.
Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
B: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: How passing strange, for I have traveled far,
And never have I heard tell of this What.
What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: The Queen's own English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!
J: Then hearken to my words and answer them!
Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
B: What?
JULES presses his knife to BRETT's throat
J: Speak 'What' again! Thou cur, cry 'What' again!
I dare thee utter 'What' again but once!
I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
If thou hast any in thy head but 'What',
Of Marsellus Wallace!
B: He is dark.
J: Aye, and what more?
B: His head is shaven bald.
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: What?
JULES strikes and BRETT cries out
J: Has he the semblance of a harlot?
B: Nay!
J: Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?
B: I did not!
J: Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
Thou hoped to rape him like a chattel whore,
And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
With anyone but she to whom he wed.

Pure freaking genius. What I wouldn't give to see this actually filmed.
I think this guy wrote this, I found other passages on his site.


Anne said...

Ha! Nice. This might actually be better than the Lolcat Bible.

(That said, the pedant in me can't help sighing at the periodic departures from iambic pentameter.)

Brave Sir Robin said...

true, true, it doesn't quite scan, but it's awesomely funny.

Anne said...

Indeed! Very entertaining. :)

The Red Queen said...

All right dude- this is pure fricken genius- but darling when did you become the king of poncey poetry corner? :)

Brave Sir Robin said...

Red Queen!!!!

It's wonderful to have you here!!

My dear, it's National Poetry Month. I am celebrating it by posting a poem every chance I get.

The Red Queen said...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh- that makes sense.

My mother was a poet and I spent huge chunks of my formative years editing her poems for her. Which has created the same aversion to poetry that I have to Bob Dylan.To much force feeding of the stuff and now I've completely lost my appetite for it. Sad, but true.

Brave Sir Robin said...

Poetry is good for your soul Red Queen.

Anonymous said...

One of my favorite movies, a classic. The blogger who's responsible for this is a genious. Especially changing the gun to a dagger. :) thanks for sharing it! luv u! t

The Red Queen said...

Maybe it is good for your soul, but what makes my soul all fluttery like a little bird is modern art. If you heard me wax poetic (haha) about Klee or Leger or Delunay (Sonia not Charles) you would understand

Brave Sir Robin said...

Modern art sometimes leaves me scratching my head. . . call me old fashioned, I like the impressionist.