Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Dammit Dammit Dammit

I saw her a few minutes ago and now I'm a wreck.

I had to run out to the client's site for a while and on the way back I pass right by her daughter's school gym.

There she was, getting out of her car.

How is it possible to be in love with someone who has treated you so badly? She really did, to the point that I simply couldn't go on, yet here I am.

Help? Anyone out there ever have trouble leaving an abusive relationship?


Anne said...


Hrm. Not per se, but the relationship was borderline emotionally abusive. Honestly, that's part of what helped me get over it: waxing indignant (perhaps even angry, although I don't really get angry) and having imaginary conversations with him in which I dressed him down for treating me like shit. Seriously, I paced around my apartment talking out loud to no one in particular. It didn't mean that it never hurt (it did, and how), but when it did, taking a "how dare you?! fuck off!" stance helped. I never actually said any of it to him--some of it was in a tone I don't use with anyone except my internal monologue, and for the sake of my sanity I didn't want to stay in contact with him. I have no idea if that's a healthy way to deal with it, but it worked for me.

somewaterytart said...


It totally rocks. If you can find someone good.

Brave Sir Robin said...

Anne -

I guess that's kind of what I do now. I am not an angry person by nature. I tend to let things go and forgive pretty easily. I find that the only way to keep from being really fucked up and hurt is to try and stay angry. Yea, it works but it's probably not healthy, and who wants to be angry?

I walk a fine line every day between loving her and being indignant. Seeing her, just reminds me that I love her, and I forget to be angry.

Therapy is probably a good idea.

GourmetGoddess said...

It's hard as a reader to really understand why seeing her does this to you. What is about her that sets you off so? What is it that you love about her? What is it that hurt you so badly? And which of them is more important to you?

With Not-So-Dear-John, I actually keep a list with me of what I love and what hurt me the most. And when he calls (as he does sometimes when he is in Chicago) or when I am tempted, I pull out that list and it reminds me to let it go and just walk away. It, of course, helps that I am unlikely to run into him on a daily basis.

Anne said...

Another vote for therapy if you can find someone good. I can actually recommend someone in Houston, but I know that's a bit out of your way.

Brave Sir Robin said...

It's hard as a reader to really understand why seeing her does this to you.

I know. My friends don't understand it either.

For the first time ever in my life, I found a woman who was intellectually, physically, and emotionally compatible with me in a way the I honestly didn't think existed. I mean you read about people finding that, or you see films about it, but I didn't really think it existed.

I spent 16 years married to a person I had nothing in common with. She hated the Theatre, she hated to travel, she had never in her life read a book for pleasure, she had the intellectual curiosity of George Bush.

Then, I find myself with Rene', who loved art, museums, literature, Theatre, travel. She read books, she wanted to learn something new everyday.

It was such an epiphany, that people do have that in a relationship, I guess I don't want to let that go, even though I know she will never be stable or (mentally) healthy.

I know, I know... I just need to man up and move on.

GourmetGoddess said...

I wouldn't say you need to "man up and move on." But I agree that talking about it with a professional would be helpful. At the same, developing other strategies to address your needs are important (as my therapist always tells me!).

The Red Queen said...

I get it. Oh I understand what it's like to be completely, illogically, tragically, horribly in love with someone awful.

Time. It takes time. Be kind to yourself. Remember the awfulness when you get nostalgic. Don't lie to yourself about it but don't feel guilty about still feeling the way you do.

It took me longer than the actual relationship lasted to get over it. But i did. You will too.

GoldFishy said...

Hang in there. It'll suck for awhile, and seeing said individual will cause great pain and anxiety. But it's still better than the alternative, and there are many others out there who'll care for you for who you are.

Jennifer said...

No answers, just a (belated) *hug*

Brave Sir Robin said...

Thanks guys.