I Should Have Known Better

It’s been a while since I’ve given you a general where’s my head today post.

There are several reasons for that.

One, I’ve been busy. Really, really busy. I have a list of things to post about that is getting longer, and longer, and longer. . . . , to the point that some of them may no longer be topical by the time I get to them.

Two, I’m trying really hard to change the tone of this blog, I didn’t want it to become the damn I’m lonely, damn I still miss Rene’ blog. Sometimes, I feel like that’s all I write. Hell, sometimes I feel like that’s all I feel.

Three, I’ve had a pen pal of sorts here lately who has shown a strong desire to listen to all that rot, and spare you from reading it. Thank you, btw – You know who you are.

The truth is, I go up and down. If I am anything, I am honest. I still miss her. I was in a classic abusive relationship. I know it, I see it, but she was good at what she did. She caught me in an emotionally needy time, and she knew what buttons to push and she played me like a maestro.

Last Thursday, I went to Dylan’s OAP contest. While I was there, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in some time, and she introduced me to a totally charming young woman. (If you’re familiar with the French rule, she just made the cut-off.) This young lady sat next to me, and we watched four plays together. During the shows, we whispered to one another about the acting, directing, or the cutting of the One Acts. In between productions, she brought up topics such as Shakespeare, various films, including more than one of my favorites, the merits of Houston as opposed to small towns and yes, even organic produce. Not exactly the kind of topic I get presented with on a regular basis. Not around these parts, that’s for sure. Well, in case you haven’t figured it out, I’m pretty darn good at those topics. On the way home Clinton (#3 son), commented that we “really seemed into each other”. He notices those things. The next day, I told my email friend the following:

I don't know if I'll ever even see her again, but for just a few hours, I actually felt normal and alive. I sat there with an intelligent, and very cute young lady and we both quite obviously enjoyed one another's company. It reminded me that others may actually sometimes see more in me than I see in myself.

I meant that at the time. I really did. Just knowing that she enjoyed my company was enough. The more I thought about her, the more I wanted to get to know her. Today, I emailed the friend who introduced me to her. She’s dating someone.

A Coach.

It’s always a coach.

It seems I had invested a little more hope into that situation than I counted on because I find myself much more disappointed than I anticipated.

I actually considered calling Rene’.

I didn’t.

I won’t.

The fact that it crossed my mind scares the hell out of me.