Monday, March 31, 2008

I Should Have Known Better

It’s been a while since I’ve given you a general where’s my head today post.

There are several reasons for that.

One, I’ve been busy. Really, really busy. I have a list of things to post about that is getting longer, and longer, and longer. . . . , to the point that some of them may no longer be topical by the time I get to them.

Two, I’m trying really hard to change the tone of this blog, I didn’t want it to become the damn I’m lonely, damn I still miss Rene’ blog. Sometimes, I feel like that’s all I write. Hell, sometimes I feel like that’s all I feel.

Three, I’ve had a pen pal of sorts here lately who has shown a strong desire to listen to all that rot, and spare you from reading it. Thank you, btw – You know who you are.

The truth is, I go up and down. If I am anything, I am honest. I still miss her. I was in a classic abusive relationship. I know it, I see it, but she was good at what she did. She caught me in an emotionally needy time, and she knew what buttons to push and she played me like a maestro.

Last Thursday, I went to Dylan’s OAP contest. While I was there, I ran into a friend I hadn’t seen in some time, and she introduced me to a totally charming young woman. (If you’re familiar with the French rule, she just made the cut-off.) This young lady sat next to me, and we watched four plays together. During the shows, we whispered to one another about the acting, directing, or the cutting of the One Acts. In between productions, she brought up topics such as Shakespeare, various films, including more than one of my favorites, the merits of Houston as opposed to small towns and yes, even organic produce. Not exactly the kind of topic I get presented with on a regular basis. Not around these parts, that’s for sure. Well, in case you haven’t figured it out, I’m pretty darn good at those topics. On the way home Clinton (#3 son), commented that we “really seemed into each other”. He notices those things. The next day, I told my email friend the following:

I don't know if I'll ever even see her again, but for just a few hours, I actually felt normal and alive. I sat there with an intelligent, and very cute young lady and we both quite obviously enjoyed one another's company. It reminded me that others may actually sometimes see more in me than I see in myself.

I meant that at the time. I really did. Just knowing that she enjoyed my company was enough. The more I thought about her, the more I wanted to get to know her. Today, I emailed the friend who introduced me to her. She’s dating someone.

A Coach.

It’s always a coach.

It seems I had invested a little more hope into that situation than I counted on because I find myself much more disappointed than I anticipated.

I actually considered calling Rene’.

I didn’t.

I won’t.

The fact that it crossed my mind scares the hell out of me.


Bitty said...

So you told your e-mail friend "for just a few hours, I actually felt normal and alive. I sat there with an intelligent, and very cute young lady and we both quite obviously enjoyed one another's company. It reminded me that others may actually sometimes see more in me than I see in myself."

What ceased to be true about this after you found out about The Coach? I mean, and I'm saying what I mean quite inarticulately, you still enjoyed each other's company, and she reminded you that you are a worthy person. Nothing changed there. Your hope that there could be something more got shattered (for now -- Coaches come and Coaches go sometimes), but it doesn't cancel out the fact that someone interesting found you interesting.

There's danger in looking for validation of yourself in another person, as you seem to acknowledge in your final words. At the same time, it's human to feel that way.

Now let me put on my bitter hat: some days it seems that all the nice people in the world get the shaft while the jerks get rewarded for their bad behavior. Boo. Hiss. I'm tired of that garbage, too.

The aforesaid was meant to be consoling and comforting. If it wasn't, I apologize. It's late; I'm tired.

ouyangdan said...

the point is that you can now see that you are worth someone's time and company. so, this one is involved (hey! she's not married yet! ;) ), but now you can see that you are at least interesting to someone else. no, it's not your self worth, but it does feel good to know that people find you appealing!

i had something witty to throw in there, but it seemed a tad inappropriate.

hang in there!

Brave Sir Robin said...

There's danger in looking for validation of yourself in another person, as you seem to acknowledge in your final words. At the same time, it's human to feel that way.

Touche' Bitty.

I recognize this is an issue with myself, but, there it is.

Ouyangdan - Witty is always appropriate here.

celticfeminist said...


If I've never said it before, I like you, your perspectives, your humor, and the way you think. Sometimes, I think hearing that from people is important - unfortunately, most of the time we just assume those we count as friends already know we value them.

So, just so you know. You are valued by me and by lots of others, judging from your entries and the comments here.

I agree with Bitty, too - there's danger in looking outside of yourself for validation and acceptance ... and it's perfectly human to do so. When I felt that way, being the er ... logical (ahem) type, I always tried to work back to empirical evidence - I'm loved by family and friends, therefore I must have worth. It didn't always work to the extent I wanted it to (damned emotions mucking up the logic gears), but when I was single for an extended period of time (i.e. years), it did help me to land back in a good place and realize that my worth is precious and there.

And while I could always revert to cliches about fishes and seas and someone out there for everyone, those always seem wet. So, instead, I reiterate this - you are valued and wonderful.


Bee said...

Stay strong, Brave Sir Robin.

Why don't you call/write cute young girl and propose getting together in some casual way . . .something to do with one of your mutual interests. Maybe the coach thing isn't serious; maybe it won't last. And maybe, yes, this is a dead end.

But that doesn't mean that you are at a dead end!! It sounds like Rene is a bend in the road that you've driven pretty far away from now, so don't backtrack. You've got to keep faith in what can lie ahead for you. I truly believe that anyone who is as personable and kind and interesting as you are will meet someone likewise.

Brave Sir Robin said...

Celtic - Thank You. What you guys say does matter to me. A lot.

Bee! - How's Texas so far?

You are right, of course, and I am better today. I am most certainly NOT calling Rene'.


SaoirseDaily2 said...

Wouldn't drinking and shopping be dangerous to the budget? I am a QVC Shopper want to be. I want everything they show. Are you going to join us for our Wednesday night chat at Bob's? Hope so.

Brave Sir Robin said...

I will try to be at Bob's. I haven't made it lately, but this week looks promising!


GourmetGoddess said...

Bit dittos to what everyone has said and big hugs on top of that. *BIG HUGS*

As Dear Abby always says, the way to meet love interests is to do the things you love, like the theatre or a cooking class, and, in those places, make friends who also do the things you love, because it is in those relationships that you have the best chance of finding someone who is compatible.....

pidomon said...

From one single dude to another I know exactly what ya mean.
Hang in there bro

Anne said...

Ditto to what everyone has said, especially the part about you being valued and loved by your friends. It can be a tough thing to keep that in mind, but that's why we're here to remind you. :)

The evening at Dylan's concert was, I think, important in two big ways. The first you've already mentioned: other people find you interesting and fun and enjoy spending time with you. The other is that even though you still miss Rene, even though you have times when it's really, really hard, you've also experienced a glimmer of interest in someone else. That, as I'm sure you know, is a big, encouraging step in moving on.

So you took two steps forward, and then you took a step back in wanting to call Rene. That's okay. That's normal. That's how this sort of thing goes: two steps forward, one step back. In time, you will have taken many more steps forward than you once felt you were capable of taking. It sounds like that is already the case, to a certain extent. And I don't want this to sound patronizing, but I, for one, am proud of you.


Batocchio said...

But you didn't call. That's more important. As for the other stuff, everyone else has covered it far more eloquently...

SaoirseDaily2 said...

You are going to love Hell's Kitchen. I recorded it but once I started watching I could not turn it off. Where did they find so many clueless people? Once you watch let me know what you think.

seventh sister said...

I secondo what Anne says. You now realize that you can be attracted to someone other than your ex which may may mean that you are ready to move on with your life. I recommend reading Thomas Moore's books Care of the Soul followed by Soul Mates ( I like to have a copyu of James Hillman's The Soul's Code handy while I am reading Moore.) These books really helped me to see some truths about relationships, espcially my relationship with myself. We all have wish lists for what we want in the perfect person but it is so important to figure out what we have to offer and what we really expect out of a relationship before we get one started.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! It sounds like you really connected with this person, which means it can happen with other folks!

On an unrelated note, what does OAP stand for? I looked it up but couldn't find a meaning that made sense in context of a contest.

Dusty said...

I gather you recently split up?

I am sad when anyone is lonely. :(

Brave Sir Robin said...

Anne - Of course you're right. It's just often so hard to seperate what I know Intellectually from what I feel emotionally.

Seventh - Again, yes, it is a bit of a revelation that someone other than Rene' interested me on that level. I suppose that's progress.

Pizza - OAP stands for One Act Play.
Each school gets 10 minutes to set the stage, 45 minutes to perform and 10 minutes to strike.
The better plays are usually cuttings from a full length show and are presented as "Scenes From . . . "

Dusty - recent is relative.
:) I haven't spoken to her since October.

SaoirseDaily2 said...

Hells Kitchen - did you watch?

somewaterytart said...

I think it's wonderful you enjoyed yourself. Let it make you open for more of the same experiences. And don't be afraid to strike up a conversation; some of us dazzlingly charming women are shy!

somewaterytart said...

...but underneath our skin lurk the demonic, red-black forces of HELL and ATHEISM and HYPER-LITERACY!!!

Bitty said...

An attempt to coax a smile out of you:

I have a horrible memory for jokes. Put on the spot, I can only ever remember one, one that may not even be accurate:

Q: What do an aardvark and Yoko Ono have in common?
A: They both live off dead beetles/Beatles.

I guess it also works better as an oral joke. And doing a Google, it doesn't appear that aardvarks even eat dead beetles. But that's how it was told to me.

I hope this got at least half a smile out of you, because I really had to work at it.

Brave Sir Robin said...

Thank You Bitty, it did.

(Although, I must admit, I laughed more at your attempt than at the joke)

Bitty said...

There is a reason that Jerry Seinfeld makes a lot of money telling jokes and I don't. (Even if he is a sexist jerk.)

Fantastic Forrest said...
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Brave Sir Robin said...
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